How to support a friend struggling with involuntary childlessness: A guide for loved ones

September 16-22 is World Childless Week, a time to shine a light on those who are Childless Not by Choice and offer them understanding and support. There are various reasons why someone may be childless not by choice, with fertility struggles being a major factor that affects millions of people worldwide. In fact, the World Health Organization estimates that 48 million couples are impacted by infertility. The emotional toll of this struggle is well-documented in research, showing it can lead to anxiety, depression, and other health issues, even though this is not yet widely recognized in society.

For those dealing with infertility, a supportive social network can be invaluable. But, relationships with close friends and family can sometimes be difficult to navigate, especially when emotions run high. If you're wondering how to support a friend going through involuntary childlessness, this guide is for you.

And if you're someone who is currently facing infertility, we understand how tough it can be to express your needs. Feel free to share this guide with your loved ones, or adapt it to suit you better. 

How you can support a friend facing infertility:

1. Create child-free spaces for quality time

While your friend may love children, being around them can serve as a painful reminder of what they long for. When planning to spend time together, consider choosing child-free environments. Go for activities that don’t revolve around kids, like a quiet café, a movie, or a relaxing walk. This will help your friend focus on enjoying the moment without constant reminders of their struggle.

2. Invite them to family events, but understand if they can’t come

It might seem contradictory to the previous point, but it’s important to invite your friend to important family events—whether it's a birthday party or a graduation. Even though it can be emotionally difficult, extending the invitation shows them that you still value their presence. If they decline because it’s too overwhelming, don’t take it personally. Simply knowing they were invited, and that it’s okay to skip, can be a comforting gesture.

3. Listen without trying to fix

When someone we love is hurting, it’s natural to want to solve the problem. But infertility is not something you can fix. The best way to support your friend is by being a good listener. Offer open-ended questions like, “What do you need?” or “How can I be there for you?” Avoid saying things like, “It will work out next time,” as this can feel dismissive. Instead, let them share their feelings, and be present.

4. Use text for sensitive news

Announcing pregnancies or other big life events can be tricky when your friend is dealing with infertility. A thoughtful approach is to send a text rather than sharing the news face-to-face or over the phone. This gives them the space to process their emotions privately. They’ll likely be happy for you, but also need time to cope with the reminder of their own journey.

5. Stay in touch, even when they pull away

If your friend stops returning calls or declines invitations, don’t assume they don’t want to hear from you. Infertility often leads to feelings of isolation, depression, and anxiety. Keep reaching out with no-pressure messages like, “You don’t have to respond right away, but I’m here whenever you’re ready.” Your continued support, even during times of withdrawal, can make a significant difference in their healing process.

A final thought

These tips are based on science, shared experiences from the Tilly community, and personal journeys through infertility. We hope they offer guidance and help create deeper understanding. If you have any other suggestions or experiences, feel free to share them with us.

And remember, if you say or do something that unintentionally hurts your loved one, simply acknowledge it with, “I’m sorry.” It’s far better to show up and offer support, even if you make mistakes, than to hold back out of fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.

To all those touched by childlessness and to those supporting them—you matter. Stay strong. You are not alone 💜.